In this week's episode of Midlife AF we're going to be talking about alcohol free travel, and why alcohol and stopping drinking is a wanting issue.
if you're a woman in midlife whose intuition is telling you that giving booze the elbow might be the next right move. Then midlife AF is the podcast for you. Join counsellor psychotherapist, this naked mind and grey area drinking alcohol coach Emma Gilmour for a weekly natter about parenting quirky teens, menopause, relationships and navigating this thing called midlife alcohol free. If you're feeling that life could be so much more that you're sick and tired of doing all the things for everyone else. If your intuition is waving her arms, manically at you saying it could all be so much easier. We didn't have to keep drinking, come with me. Together, we'll find our groove without booze.
Hello, everybody, welcome to this week's episode of Midlife AF. So I am here in my mum's beautiful flat in Surrey in England. And I am about to hop on the journey home to Singapore tomorrow morning. So a long distance flight. And I was talking to my membership group Be The Lighthouse. And one of my beautiful members suggested that travel would be a really good subject to cover. And funnily enough, when I first started coaching, which was back in January 2020, the back end of 2020, the year of the year of COVID. I was talking about travel, and talking about you know, all the different things we needed to do with regards to travel and being alcohol free. So like kind of tactics, and things to think of, particularly in the early days of being alcohol free. But actually, there wasn't really any travel going on in the world. So, you know, it was kind of a moot point, really.
And I think I travelled first, my first flight was an internal flight. And I think it was to Uluru. And I think that was the most amazing trip. And I think that was my first alcohol free trip, which was only last year so 2022. And, it was really interesting coming on a long haul flight. And the last time I came to the UK was in 2019. It was a very different experience in terms of travel than my experience, this time round being three years plus alcohol free.
And it also brought to mind one of the things I wanted to talk about because I am coming up for another round of alcohol experiment. The Great Aussie Alcohol Experiment Live, which is my program where we have daily coaching, daily content and journaling and it's a really awesome program. I won't go into too much detail here because I will further down the line and closer to it.
But the difference, the real difference. And I spent a beautiful three days with my really good friend and fellow coach who I'd not met before in real life, Ellie Crowe, who's one of the other amazing naked mind coaches that I met back in January 2020 when I stopped drinking.
I spent three days with her and we were discussing how different it is being alcohol free
in a way that really means freedom.
In a way, that is not about you just don't want to drink. You don't have the desire to drink. You don't feel like you're missing out on anything. And I remember when Annie talked about this when we were in her initial training, and she said and I'm talking about Annie Grace, the lady who wrote this naked mind and who me and Ellie have trained and we're super senior coaches within their coaching group.
She talked about what a sad lie. It is, it would be, too, because it seems you only have two choices when you stop drinking alcohol: you're either drinking, or you're not drinking, but you're having a miserable time. And that was sort of like, alcohol was doing push ups at your door. And, you know, you're being deprived or something. And you know, if you have one slip, you'll be slugging from a bottle within moments.
Now, I know that is, you know, some people's experiences and I think there's, that's a very different way of doing alcohol. It's not the way that I stopped drinking. And it's not the way that I live my life alcohol free for me, it's not a “I can't have it”, I don't want to have it. And it was really interesting meeting friends as well while we were here and remembering, you know, some of the things that happened while we were here last time as well, that weren't so great about my alcohol intake.
And there's so many other things tied into our alcohol and travelling. But just before I finish what we were talking about before this whole idea of not wanting, and how the way that I work with clients, and the mistake in my work is that you take it, the way that we work with people is we change their mindset, so our beliefs around alcohol get changed. So we no longer believe that it's something that's going to relax us something that's going to make us feel better, something that's going to soothe the pain, something that's going to
ease our nerves, something that's going to help us in any way. And it really isn't about what's gonna happen tomorrow. It's not about the hangovers, it's not about and a lot of people talk about this in cyberspace is, you know, you know what I don't want to have the hangovers and the whole Pay It Forward idea, which is a great strategy. And I know I've talked about this before, but it's a great strategy in the early days. 100%. But it's also fear based and nothing in my coaching is about fear.
It's not about punishing ourselves. It's not about being fearful of something happening in the future. It's about choosing not to do something in the moment, because it doesn't align with your values. And it doesn't align with so for me, my journey has been about discovering who I am. And I can't discover who I am when I'm running away from myself. And for me a couple of really big statements, that really helped me. And I don't think I got them from anywhere. I think they were ones that I sort of came up with myself. And I may have gotten from somewhere and just not kind of realised, but it was the sort of idea.
One was the idea that I'm learning to love myself, and to find out who I really am. And guess if we've got the idea that alcohol, for me, is a form of self harm. So why would I and that's not like I'm judging anyone, I couldn't care less if anybody else drinks but for me, it hurt me.
It hurt my sense of self. And I definitely wasn't happy when I was drinking. Even though I thought I was at the time. Because alcohol kind of makes you, it kind of takes you away from what's really happening. So you can put up with things that you don't actually like, and so on.
But also there's a sort of joy in life and why would I want to not be here for it all.
But anyway, I digress. So I probably haven't made the second big statement. One of them was definitely this idea of our possible form of self harm, and I'm learning to love myself, and I cannot remember what the other one is. I'm not going to apologise because of menopause ADHD. And we own that in my groups, because generally we're women in midlife, and if we don't have menopause, we're generally often neurodiverse or sensitive or have got some kind of trauma as well. And all of those things I show up with the same very similar symptoms. And I'll talk about that another day as well, because I got some interesting things happening in our family around that moment. But back to travel. So it was really interesting going through customs in Melbourne. And going through international as well, because before I just been through, and this big, the first thing I saw was this big whiskey because the whole of the departure area’s really geared up for drinking isn't it, and I remember going travelling from a very young age, you know, as an adult, but you know, and we would get so drunk in the airport.
I mean, sometimes I'm just especially on the day of my wedding honeymoon, I remember being so I, we booked these beautiful business class - well, not business class, but close enough - And we had these beautiful lie down beds and all this lovely food, and I passed out for the whole journey. And I was like, wow.
And I remember being on my honeymoon as well, and just being drunk so much of the time. And I'm just thinking, gosh, I can't probably can't remember. I mean, I remember snippets of things. But it was so we stayed in so many beautiful places. And also, I travelled a lot as a younger person, we went to Thailand a lot, full moon parties, and so on, so forth. But just thinking about sort of long haul flight back to England, we've only done sort of the three recently, the original one out of here, when we were kids were tiny. And we stopped in Thailand. And we stayed in Thailand for a few days. And we met with some friends and we hung out with them. And the kids were tiny.
So it wasn't all about drinking there. And then the last one was when we came home to see mum and my sister and all our friends. And there was a lot of travelling around. And it was really hectic, which I haven't done this time as much. I was really lucky because one of my friends had a wedding. And so I got to see pretty much most of my friends, I've missed a couple of groups, but most of my friends, I got to see that. And that was interesting as well.
Just roughly actually seeing people get older and you know who the beautiful faces are. And also some of the people that probably didn't sit right with me at the time, but I drunk through and certainly didn't sit right with me. This time, I won't go into detail.
Also some of the people are just surprisingly, genuinely gorgeous. And most people, in fact, are divine and just lovely to have really good conversations with them and connect with them.
But that's the flight.
What was really interesting. So I flew to Singapore, my mum very kindly paid for me to come over for my 50th birthday. And they weren't quite what I would have said in the day was quite stingy with the drinks, right? So you've got a little. And I think things have changed so much because of the way that we are as a society around drinking, because it's got a lot more conservative.
That's a good way of saying it. But yeah, just a bit more. You know, they don't want people there really drunk. Because I think it was really since 9/11 and the terrorism stuff. And you know, you just don't want volatile people behaving badly on flights. And I imagine it must have been awful for the people working there as well. But as a kid for me when we used to fly back to the UK because I used to go to boarding school in the UK because we lived in Africa and Brazil. And we used to sit up the back smoking and drinking with all the kids. And that was back in the days when you were able to smoke on the flights, which seems crazy now.
But anyway, I got on the flight but they don't serve you any drinks until the first meal. So if you want a drink, you'd have to ask for it. And when they serve the drinks, they serve them in these little plastic cups that go in the holder. And so I obviously wasn't drinking but
I can imagine myself being if I'd have been served that level drink when I was drinking, I would have been really pissed off. And I remember getting really annoyed on flights when you didn't get served quickly enough. And you couldn't get like I mean, if I had been served a wine and not been given like one of those little bottles I would have been furious. So I can imagine how agitated I would have been
Because it's really interesting when you go, restaurants have changed as well, because that for me used to be when you're a drinker, it's like, give me a drink, and I'll be okay. And I remember working in hospital Tality as a young person. And I remember that being like my first rule, and you always were like, the service is terrible if you didn't get a drink straight away, whereas when you're not drinking really doesn't matter. But you can see drinkers getting quite twitchy about it. There's my drink, I can't settle down and it's luxurious, so lovely not to have that so lovely not to have that constant, like, I need to drink in order for things to be okay.
Again, this is the one thing. So it's not about, it's not about the behaviour to me. And for me to be happily alcohol free, it's about not wanting to drink.
And what was beautiful actually started on the plane was having people weren't drinking, and I would never have noticed that. I would say most of the plane wasn't drinking alcohol. Isn't that interesting? I don't know whether that's changed a shift in society, or just me taking notice of people doing things differently to how I'd always done them. But you know, it was beautiful, we stopped in Singapore, I knew that at no point I would be traipsing through an airport, not aware that I'd left something in the aeroplane or somewhere else having to run back having to get things although I do do that. Anyway, as my good friend Stacy will attest to when we went to Uluru and I left my jacket and my scarf back and had to run back and nearly missed a plane, but that's ADHD and menopause and just by myself, not alcohol. And boy, could I run fast I tell you, I made that flight by the skin of my teeth. I was missing out on alcohol. But also I wasn't losing my jacket.
And it was just lovely. I watched all the movies, I really enjoyed them. I watched an amazing movie and cried my eyes out. The Whale is brilliant. Artists were brilliant. Just so many I can't even begin to I can't even begin to say but actually really enjoyed the flight. But generally, for me, it was really nice just to have some time on my own. And also I had no Wi Fi access, which meant I couldn't actually do any work really freeing as well, because I've tendency to always think I've got something to do.
Which I laughed about with my friend me because we're the same way like, you know, you either have people who are like, Well, I've done everything. My God, how do you do everything? It's just sensational.
And so I just drank water. I had some cups of tea, I had a cup of coffee. And you know, I watched beautiful movies. And it was really nice. And we were lucky I didn't have long in the airport between them. I just kind of walked from one flight to the next and hopped on.
And then we arrived and it was lovely. And it's been no issue at all with me, you know, with my family, obviously, because they really support what I do. I don't think my sister and my brother in law drink very much anyway. And my mum’s been helping me as well. So she's not really been drinking much at all, either. Which has been good for both of us. I think
We've had lovely alcohol free stuff. We've been out in beautiful places. And in no way have I felt like I've missed out on anything. And I think this is the beauty of travelling. It's like you go to these amazing places. You get to be present with everybody, get to really soak up and enjoy the atmosphere. And even at the wedding. I mean weddings are another one, isn't it people are not going to even drink at a wedding. It's like, Well, why would I? Why would I and they have alcohol free or low alcohol? I don't mind the 0.5 stuff.
Because I'm not really that hung up on all of that doesn't really bother me. For me, I don't drink because I don't want to drink. If, for example, I have a dessert, I just got a bit of wine in it, it's not a trigger for me. It doesn't make me want to have alcohol if I had a sip of a drink with alcohol, and now I'm not gonna go beat myself up about it doesn't matter.
It's not about that for me. For me, it's about choosing me. And it's not about choosing me, necessarily from a health perspective, but it's about choosing me from a mental health perspective. And this journey of discovery and midlife and flourishing that we get to have and the privilege of being in that situation. And just like really connecting with people like I found at the wedding was so nice just to sort of ask really good questions and listen to what you were saying and not have to be constantly thinking about what the next dance was. And it's just beginning to feel so peaceful in myself.
And then I had a few things where people didn't recognize me. And I think it's because my hair is pink and people who don't follow me on social media and people who didn't necessarily see me when I came back last time and so on. But funnily enough people because we used to go to lots of festivals, and people were talking about going back to festivals, and there's a few people who don't drink and don't do anything anymore. And I was thinking, Oh, maybe now that I'm doing ecstatic dancing, and I love it. Maybe I could do a festival, but I don't really like to be around really hammered people.
Because the wedding started at half, three, I was pretty much there until dark. And then we left at eight. So it's quite long for me. I was definitely ready to sort of leave about 7, but then I had to find everybody and say goodbye and all that jazz. But yes, it was beautiful. And now I'm about to get my flight back. And I know that I'm not going to be messy. I'm not going to spill things. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. And in fact, I'm really glad that I'm not drinking, I'm so happy that it's not an issue for me.
And I can't ever imagine a lot of people being like, Oh, don't say ‘never’ and I know I definitely wouldn't have stopped drinking if I thought it was gonna be forever. Which is why it's really good to do something like the alcohol experiment, do 30 days, and then you might go, Oh, I'm gonna do a year or six months, I'm gonna do 100 days. that's right for you doesn't matter.
But I know that forever. It seems overwhelming. And I know in this naked mind, everyone's like, No, we don't say forever. And I'm just like, well, I can't see a time where I'm going to but then as I say, never say that. But, it's not about that. It's about not wanting to drink. Because even mums when I got him, I was like, I don't want to have a glass of champagne to celebrate, or anything like that. And I'm like, no, no, not at all. Don't want to. And she was like, Yeah, cool.
It's not, it's just not something I ever want to do.
Because I see what it does to my mental health. And I know, even though I don't want it, I feel like if I started having one here and there, I'd probably go back to drinking just like I used to. I don't want to do that. Because I don't like myself as much when I'm being mean to myself or anything like that. But I just don't feel as close to myself when I do that.
So I know, like a lot of people are like, Oh, well, you know, if you buy an all inclusive holiday, it's a value thing. And people are like, “Oh, the value of alcohol”. It's really interesting, isn't it? You know, like if you go on a boat or plane, you're not getting value for money. If you don't get the outcome you paid for. If you go on a holiday, you're not getting value if you are not having fun? That's really interesting to dig into, isn't it? But you know, you're only getting through value if you have an outcome. It's a bit like that, you know, when everyone talks about, oh, I don't understand why alcohol free drinks are so expensive. Well, they're so expensive, because they're really good quality. They've got really good ingredients. And they've got a much smaller distribution. Of course, they're more expensive. If you're going into mass distribution, you're going to cost more and what you know, why would you not pay 14 bucks and put something good into your body rather than 14 bucks and put something crap into your body? That's gonna make you anxious?
And look, it's not so much about the health stuff. But it's definitely about the mental health stuff for me. And it's definitely about loving myself. And it's definitely about giving a different narrative to my kids. And letting them see that it's possible to live a life without alcohol, it doesn't have to be intrinsic to everything that we do. And we can have a lovely time and be fun and not dance and be silly without it.
So anyway, for my birthday, I'm going to Thailand, my 50th. So that will be another long haul flight not as important as this one. And I'm going with some friends, I'm going with my kids, it's gonna be beautiful. So you can do lots of travelling this year. And I'll take lots of pictures and share it all with you as I go. Because I think it's really important that you guys get to see that you can just live a very normal life and be very, very happy. And in fact, I'd say happier because you're not always thinking about when I am going to have another drink? When can I have a drink?
Anyway, that was that, that's travel. I hope that's useful to you. I've got some really cool things coming up, which I'll talk to you about after this podcast episode and I hope I will see you all so bright. Take care.
