Emma: Thank you for joining what I imagine is a very busy day at work.
Amelia: Yes, very busy. I'll just turn you up so I can hear. There we go.
Emma: I was going to say I wanted to bring Amelia on because Amelia has been working with me since August last year, and it's celebrating today. She's celebrating 200 days alcohol free. Yeah. I don't even have my pom pom because I'm not in my office. So these are my hand pom pom. yay. That is amazing.
Amelia:
Yes. Thank you.
Emma:
Very cool. And we didn't plan it like that.
Amelia:
Definitely not.
Emma:
That was a coincidence. Yes, it was amazing. And I asked later on here because I guess we've known each other now since August, and it's been really interesting to watch all the different changes and all the different things that have happened to you over the last 200 days. Yes. I wondered if you would be kind enough to share with people watching now and people watching in the podcast afterwards or in a replay a little bit about yourself, maybe introduce yourself and tell us about you and a little bit about your story and how you came to be part of the Aussie alcohol experiment in August.
Amelia:
So I am a single mum. I have an eleven year old. I run my own business, but I'm sort of stepping away from that at the moment. And I usually work with women, and I'm a doula. And, yes, I came across the alcohol experiment through Love Copper. So I had been listening to their podcast for a while and, yes, found it, and I was probably drunk at the time when I was like, okay, I need to stop drinking. I had a period in 2019 where I stopped drinking. I just sort of set myself and did 100 days. And I did sort of immerse myself in a lot of quit lit and podcasts and things like that, but I did it myself. But then I did 171 days because I didn't really want to stop after the 100, which was just really interesting. But then I stopped that year in November because I was like, oh, there's no way I could do a sober Christmas or holidays or anything like that. And I'd done 171 days. And that was the most I've done, yeah. Since I was pregnant? Probably. Well, definitely. So that's when I must have yeah, in July last year, I just came across it and then signed up and did the 30 days and then went on and joined your lighthouse program as well and yeah, it's been amazing and now I've done 200 days.
Emma:
It's amazing. I was going to ask you, what was it like for you? Obviously, like so many of us, it sounds like you had a really kind of like it's not a straightforward journey to becoming alcohol free. There's lots of stopping and starting and having a go and like you say something comes up and you're like, oh, I've got this belief about Christmas that I can't do that alcohol free, and then that's something else that you have to work through and then you get on to the next bit. And so where were you immediately, at least before you decided to embark on the alcohol experiment? Where was your head around what you wanted to do and what was your motivation for joining?
Amelia:
My head was all over the shop. I was drinking every night and I was just so sick of it, just so sick of that cycle of having a few drinks when you come home, waking up feeling really tired, being crabby and grumpy around my son. And my motivation really was I want to just be there more for my son and also health wise for myself. I was just really unfit and unhealthy and said this with the group before, when you stop drinking, if you're always sort of fighting a hangover or you're always feeling really tired. My favourite foods when I'm hungover are McDonald's and burger rings and pizza shapes. So I would regularly just eat a pack of pizza shapes, either when I was drunk or hung over at 10:00, 11:00 at night and then be up at six and just be just in a real never ending cycle. And I think because I'd done it before, I was like, gosh, you did all those days, you could just do it. But I could never just get more than three or four days under my belt before I'd want to reward myself with the drink because I had three days off, that's where I was and I had my birthday, so I got extra drunk because I knew I was doing your class.
Emma:
Everyone does it. Don't say I do it too. We always load up beforehand.
Amelia:
Yes. And did it and it was definitely the best thing that I have done. Definitely. I can't believe this year in these twelve months has been more sober than not. I've sort of been thinking about that today.
Emma:
Wow, sorry. Somebody just rang my front door doorbell. I'm like, oh, that's strange. Hopefully the children will deal with that.
Amelia:
Yes.
Emma:
What do you reckon for you? Were the main beliefs that you had around alcohol, what were the reasons that you were drinking when you were drinking? What were your main stories that you were telling yourself?
Amelia:
So it's really interesting enough to look at them. I can see I wouldn't really do anything unless I could have a drink. So I drink when I am stressed, I drink when I am happy, I drink to celebrate, I drink when I am sad. If I had a tough day at work, anything and everything, really, even hanging out with friends, it's like, well, I wasn't going to drive because I'll be drinking. Carol by candlelight becomes, how much wine are we bringing? That's right. And I did excuse me, I've just.
Emma:
Got to get the door. It's a guy from Bob's Book Club at the front door. What does he want? No, just say no. Just say, I am, but I'm working and I can't take a message. Sorry, I can see a guy dressed in the book club out. So Damian's part of this book club called the tough guys book club. And so I can see we had this Tough guy's Book Club T shirt on at the door, so I know he means us no harm. He's not a he's a he's a bookish character. He'll be fine. Excellent. Sorry, I missed a little bit of that. Would you mind repeating that to me?
Amelia : You were saying just about everything that I did and with my son and friends, it was all based around drinking, or can we have a drink and we're going to have a picnic, but we're bringing wine? And it wasn't really until I stopped properly now in this period, that, yeah, I realised that my whole sort of life and existence sort of revolved around having a drink. Interesting.
Emma:
I think that would be really common for most people when they listen to you talking about your story, because that was certainly true for me. And the idea, even if going to the cinema, I wouldn't go to a cinema where you couldn't have a drink, because I'd be like, oh, no, let's choose the cinema where you can drink. Or instead of driving somewhere because I knew I wouldn't be able to drive back. I just get the train or I'd get an Uber, or I'd make this really complicated situation. And what was your experience? And I will ask you more about our program, but what was your experience with things like in terms of your social life? Did anything have to change when you took your break or you stopped drinking?
Amelia:
I sort of became a bit of a hermit by choice, and I'm still not particularly a fan of going round to someone's house and just sitting there watching everyone drink. So that side of things, I guess, has changed. Just coincidentally, after sort of when lockdown came out, then all finished, there were lots of bands and I really love live music and lots of groups that I wanted to see started selling tickets around sort of March, and that was a really good thing. I used to do junk online shopping at night, and quite often we just buy tickets because it'd pop up on Facebook and I'd text my best mate and go, oh, I just bought a ticket for this. And coincidentally, it was sort of all around September, November this year, when I bought the tickets when I was drinking. So, yeah, going to have a big party. But then I stopped drinking on 1 August. So then I had all these events coming up where I was sort of like, oh, gosh, am I going to do it? So, by drinking alcohol free, I did, and probably had a better time most of the time and some of them I even drove, which I never would have. So I saved $100 on uber's.
Emma:
That's right.
Amelia:
And I find that going to music or doing an activity is definitely much easier than just sitting around listening to people getting drunk and stuff. Now, it's not a thing, but I think definitely within the first two months, I was a bit of a hermit at home. But I also and once I then sort of started being a bit more social, I'm a single mum, I don't have lots of time to go out and be social. I do take alcohol free drinks with me and my friend and I went to a dance day at the ivy and they couldn't find me any alcohol free, so I was most upset about that. But I wrote to them and then got a phone call and they apologised greatly for that.
Emma:
So cool.
Amelia:
Yeah, it's been an interesting experience. And most places now my mum and I go to the theatre and stuff and most places in Sydney seem to have at least one sort of alcohol free, not just coke or lemon lime bitters, but alcohol free beer. And yeah, I think that's really good. It gives people another choice. And as someone who is trying not to drink, it makes you feel better drinking a non alcoholic beer than just a coke or something.
Emma:
Definitely. I understand. Some people don't like them. Some people find them, they make them want to drink. But for me, that wasn't my case at all. And I found them so helpful, especially in those early days, especially when you're out socialising and you're kind of a little bit self conscious as well, and you just want something to hold.
Amelia:
Yes, definitely.
Emma:
And you have been the most incredible. I mean, you say that you've been in a lot, but you have gone and done a lot of very cool, fun things and you're quite extraordinary, I remember. And we'll talk more about the groups that we have been in together, but Amelia is like one of these people that should be like, I'm going to this amazing thing tonight. And then she'll be like, I'm doing this, I'm going to this rave and I'm going to dance for, like, loads of hours and do this stuff. And we'll all be like, she's like the cool girl.
Amelia:
Well, that's been one of my beliefs because I didn't think I could be cool if I wasn't drinking.
Emma:
That's it. And did you find generally people within your friendship group were supportive of your not drinking or was it awkward?
Amelia:
No, my really good friends, 100% supportive. People that don't know me particularly well or that at Kids Sport and stuff, if I said, oh, I wasn't drinking, then they ask: Why are you not drinking? Totally. It's interesting how people react to it if you say you're not drinking. People do make judgments and things like that, but for my real friends they're 100% supportive. Absolutely. And yes, they get someone to drive them sometimes as well. My whole big thing was, I guess through this period of being alcohol free was doing Christmas and then my holiday, like annual holidays, we go to Byron Bay and then we go camping with really good friends and that I thought was going to be really difficult and there's lots of drinking in all those situations. But I found because I'd made the decision I was going to be alcohol free, I was prepared. I took probably more alcohol free drinks than I would have taken wine and just so that I had lots to drink, because it is definitely for me having something in my hand. And 1000% had a better time being alcohol free, which really surprised me because I had in my head that I'd still be sitting in the corner wishing I was drinking. And I think that's the whole change in my mindset about it has been really such a big shift.
Emma:
And what were the best things about it?
Amelia:
Sorry, I froze.
Emma:
What were the best things about being alcohol free on that holiday?
AmeliaL
So many, but just being with my son. A real part of this, like I said at the beginning, is a motivation to be there for my son. He's eleven, he starts high school next year. There's so much going on and I don't want to be hung over the time that I have with him. I want to be present and be able to help him through stuff and have clear communication with him. So having that holiday experience with him, not sleeping till ten and waking up with a hangover or being really disengaged and just throwing him his ipad so he leaves me alone. I was up at six, walking to the lighthouse, came home, he's still asleep, but then we went to the beach. We had a completely different holiday experience compared to when I was drinking, for sure.
Emma:
It sounds really amazing and I'm also a bit jealous of your holiday. It sounds really good.
Amelia:
I am lucky.
Emma:
We should all go up to Byron, that would be so much fun. Tell us a bit about the alcohol experiment and what your experience was as a participant. What was that like for you?
Amelia:
So at first I'm quite anxious and I didn't like talking in groups. So I barely said boo for at least the first sort of two weeks on the group calls and things like that. But then once you get to know people and you realise and the first time I sort of spoke in the group, I was like, oh, gosh. But it doesn't matter, that sort of stuff. But doing the content every day, it just made me do it. It made me really engage and journal and write things down and listen to all the other women's experiences. We're all very similar. We're around the same age. We've all got kids, but sort of different aged kids. I really went through the content. Like, I bought Annie Grace's book before, but you read the first few days and then you forget about it or twice get in the way. And because the calls were live, I was racing home or listening in my car. I was really motivated. And I think it just carried on in Be The Lighthouse. We're sort of redoing the 30 days, which is amazing to do. It's sort of 200 days again and looking at it again. And every time you do it, different things pop out for you. Like, my why, when I started doing it right at the beginning, is probably very different to sort of now what my why is. And you learn so much about yourself. And that's a really massive thing for me as well. Like learning about my relationship with alcohol and why I have used alcohol since I was 14/15 and that numbing and everything else, all the other drugs and substances that you put into your body and trying to understand how women in particular and then as mums, why we need to well, we don't need to, but why we get so caught in that trap of using things to make our lives seem okay or to escape them. It's force fed to us the patriarchy and all that marketing and all that. And once I sort of saw there was a real feminism side of it, I was like, oh, this is.
Emma:
That was a big motivator for me as well.
Amelia:
Amazing. Yeah, but that's it. You just don't realise it, you know, when you're so caught in the cycle of it that once you sort of step outside of it. And actually because when you're drinking and you're hungover all the time, you don't have the energy or the time or the space to actually review what's going on in your life. When I was doing the 30 days was really eye opening for myself with the living situation I'm in, how my life is playing out. And it was a real wake up call, and I wouldn't have seen that or I just would have kept going on the way I was going if I was still drinking.
Emma:
That's it, isn't it? I find that so much. It's almost like we're drinking to ignore all the stuff that's not working great for us. And that's certainly my experience anyway. And then you stop drinking and you're like, oh, man, I got to actually have a look at this now.
Amelia:
Which is really hard, but then it's not as hard as you think it is. You're drinking all the time because by taking away drinking, you free up so much mind space and time, and you're not having that, particularly when you're at a stage where you feel like you want to explore not drinking. I used to be, okay, I'm not going to drink tonight. And then by about 03:00 04:00, I've sort of convinced myself, oh, I'll have a drink tonight, and then you go home, and then you drink, and then you do it all again the next day. You just whereas once you take all that chatter out of your mind about it, you can really look at your life and you just feel so much more free. Really?
Emma:
Yeah, 100%. I honestly think that for me, that was the best bit. Even when I was just taking those little short breaks, I was like, I can feel that my brain has more space. Like, I'm not constantly in negotiation with myself about what I'm going to do, when I'm going to do it, and how I'm going to do it, and just that freedom. And I remember thinking that the word is freedom for me, of not having those thoughts coming all the time and just being able to lightly say, take stock, and then start to be able to create something which is actually what you want a lot of the time. You're sort of in the stuck pattern, aren't you, when you're drinking, you're like.
Amelia:
This is where I am.
Emma:
And it's almost like you keep yourself in that spot because you keep drinking, so you keep being nothing changes.
Amelia:
Yes.
Emma:
It'S so interesting because our experiences sound so similar when you talk as well. And I think that it's just also common in the group that we had. We were very lucky that the group that Amelia was in, the alcohol experiment, quite a lot of the route came over and moved into Be The Lighthouse, which is my membership program, which is pay as you go on a monthly basis. And it's really for people who are wanting to not drink either for six months, a year, longer whatever. There's not a requirement that you have to be alcohol free because a lot of us in the group, people who are we have the odd data points, or might go through a week or two where we fall off. But the main thing is that we're together as a group, supporting each other and holding each other in community and letting each other know that we kind of work through that process of being able to have a data point, as we call it, in our world. It could be a slip up, it could be just having a drink and not having to get back on that, having to feel like there's something wrong with you, you've done something wrong, you've done something bad to go on. Yeah, you have to go back on that roller coaster again. You can't just go, I had one situation, we'll look at what happened there and then move, get back on the bus. Absolutely. Tell us, Amidia, what has your experience been of being part of that group? What's been the thing that you've loved about it?
Amelia:
Everything. It's the best. I don't have lots of super close female friends and it's lots of groups of women and things like that. And I think quite a few of us have sort of said that in the group as well. But we are just really connected because we use the Marco polo, which is an incredible app where you can just leave little videos for everyone in the group. Whenever some people, if they're having a particularly rough time or they really got the wine witch in their head, they can just jump on and say, I can't get it out. And then sort of people jump on and cheer them on and you can do this. Or if people have it like a data point if someone's drunk, then people are really brave when they get on to do that. I haven't had to do that yet, but hopefully not. People are really brave because then they get on and they say, I drunk last night. But then, because of the way we're looking at drinking it's around, working out why someone felt like that or they had a particularly shitty fight with someone, or something happened to them at work or could have just been which is potentially where my triggers come from as well, is when I'm home alone by myself because I don't have my son or I have a bit of space to myself where I potentially could be a bit naughty and have a drink. So it's a really great group of women that are just so supportive of each other and we just can relate. And I guess that's when I did my days in 2019, I felt really alone and I didn't have a community. Yes, I listened to podcasts and things like that, but I never actually really, really was honest or talked to anyone about what was going on for me or how drinking made me feel, whereas in our group, that's what we're doing. It's an incredible space where you feel so safe and we've all sort of gone through big personal things as well. I think in the group, lots of us are going through some really crazy stuff and a lot of us are choosing not to drink through that, which is a massive thing. Whereas if something big happens in your life when you are drinking, that's the first thing you reach for. Yeah. So having that emotional support, other women and connecting to that happened the other day and that's exactly how I felt. Yeah, definitely.
Emma:
And one last thing in terms of the group, what would you set, you know, when we do our coaching sessions in the evening, if you were going to describe what that's like to somebody, how would you describe it as an insider?
Amelia:
Well, it's definitely one of my favourite parts of the week. It's just a real free space that is supported and facilitated by UM in just such a kind, beautiful way where you're just able to voice whatever's going on for you around your drinking. I remember just in between Christmas and New Year, I sort of said, oh, I'm feeling really anxious and worried about going camping and not drinking. And you really just supported me and asked me different questions and we just really explored how techniques I could use or what I could do instead of drinking. And then I was like, well, actually, I do want to get up early and I do want to spend more time with the kids. And it just gives you a really safe space to talk about what's going on in your head. And we're often in conflict with wanting to drink and not wanting to drink, and we can get quite stuck in that. So being able to once you start verbalising things, things become clearer anyway and it gets you out of your head more as well.
Emma:
Yeah.
Amelia:
All the women there are just so supportive and we all hold space for each other and people worry that they're taking up time or not taking up enough time, and it's always just how it is supposed to be with everything. And we all learn so much from.
Emma:
Each other that's it definitely as a group, I think that's one of the things for me has been so amazing about starting this group is finding a really lovely group of connected, like minded women with similar values who are willing to kind of go into some of the more nuanced places around why they're drinking. And there's something really lovely about it. I'm so pleased I started it. I was really nervous to do it and then I'd do it and I'm like, this would be one of the best things I've ever done.
Amelia:
There's no way I would have stuck with this long period of being alcohol free without the group. Well, I mean, maybe, but it feels so much easier with a group of women around you supporting you and cheering you on and knowing that if you have something really shit happening in your life, you can just go, oh my gosh, this just happened. It's been a really amazing thing to be a part of and yes, we're very lucky and I'm very lucky as well.
Emma:
I think we all lucked out, sometimes these things that heavens align and we end up with a really nice group of people and yeah, it certainly worked out very well. Thank you so much for saying that, Amelia. Really appreciate it. Wonderful. And we were talking because Amelia's background and businesses around kind of being a Doula and we were talking and hypnotic and all this amazing stuff where we've been talking, so quite a few of us have some interests in common as well, so we can kind of talk about these things. And I was saying to Amelia that I'd been listening to a Gable Marte teaching, and he was talking about how when you go into a group program or when you go into kind of coaching or therapy, one of the goals of therapy was midwifeing our souls. Which is why I thought that was a lovely name for our session together. And I wondered, Amelia, if you would be able to talk a little bit about how that kind of brings to life your potential, how that sits with you in terms of this journey that we're all on together. And I'm sure people are watching and listening on as well.
Amelia:
Yes, well, it's definitely being with women, but also looking after myself and my own soul and looking at myself. I think when we're mums and wives and daughters and we just put everyone else's needs in front of our own and then we put alcohol in front of that as well. So I feel like being able to step away from that. I've really connected with myself in such a different way than I have since I was little, because I'm not numbing out all the time and I am being selfish and trying to look after myself more. I am starting to put my own needs first and being loving and caring to myself where I haven't put myself as a priority for so long in my life, which is really scary to think about. So I think being with women and that midwife and with women, I think we start to really appreciate how amazing we are, and especially in mid life. I love the midlife thing, is this.
Emma:
Whole extra layer on top of it.
Amelia:
Yes. So I'm actually finding my soul again, definitely after just blocking it and not listening to myself and not being able to really tune in with actually what I need and I'm starting to do that, I think. Yeah, definitely. Still, everyone is working on things all the time, but yeah, I feel like I feel so much happier. Than what I have in years, which is just a great place to be.
Emma:
I love that explanation as well, that listening to yourself, that I love it. Starting to be selfish in the nicest possible way, starting to put yourself first and then seeing what's going to happen, taking being able to trust your intuition and to say, actually, these things are going to change. I'm going to be the person to do that and I can. That sort of gets exciting.
Amelia:
Thank you.
Emma:
Thank you so much. I really appreciate you coming on and I wondered if you had one thing to share with the viewers, the watchers and the listeners on podcast, in Replay now and in Replay on Instagram. And you had somebody who was struggling and wanted to take a break, wasn't sure how long for, wasn't sure they wanted to do. What would your piece of advice be to them? Do you have any words of wisdom?
Amelia:
If you are thinking about it, then give it to yourself. Give yourself the gift of breaking the cycle. And I think that was my big thing and it still is in a little way. Like, is this going to be a permanent thing? I can't say that out loud yet, but I've done six months, so now I'm going to do twelve. So give yourself the space. 30 days to start with is a really great goal and you'll honestly be amazed how different you feel after 30 days and then do 100 days because it's a journey and we fall off when we get back on and we fall off when we get back on. And every time we get back on, we learn something more about ourselves and just really immerse yourself in it. There's so much now online and support and join Emma's group, have a session with Emma. Definitely the community and the support and the women that you get to meet that are doing this, it's so important and you're not alone. I think that's why I felt really alone the first time I did it and it's really hard and we have been conditioned to drink, we're bombarded with it. So we need to sort of break that cycle and be the rebel.
Emma:
Last one. I really want to ask you about this because you're super cool at this. Did you even try ecstatic dancing before? I tried it. Amelia and I have been going in.
Amelia:
Different cities too.
Emma:
Amelia, tell people just a little bit about what they thought she loves.
Amelia:
I love dancing. It's my favourite thing in the world. Do you know what? Well, it was my favourite thing when I was drunk and off my face, but it's actually still my favourite thing being sober. I can feel that, which is really good. But yes. I went to the ecstatic dance in Sydney and I remembered speaking in the group about how nervous I am. And, oh, my gosh, I'm never going to do it. But I was brave and I did it, and it was so amazing and crazy, and I loved it and I was so high when I came out. I really should have grounded myself before.
Emma:
I got back in the car because.
Amelia:
I drove out of the car park on the wrong side of the road and everything I do, but it is the best thing. No shoes, no phone, you're in the dark. It's really great music. You can't talk, so it's fine. You can go by yourself because no one's going to talk to you anyway and you just sort of, well, if you're like me, I just go in and out and don't talk to anyone. People can hang around afterwards and chat, chatter. But, yeah, it's amazing. And I think that just getting back into your body, I didn't appreciate it. I didn't appreciate how important that was, yes. Until I stopped drinking. So, yeah, being in your body and you can just it's a great way to sort of get out of your head.
Emma:
Totally. I absolutely love it too. If I could go every Friday, I'm always really surprised because I always seem to have the energy threat, obviously. Oh, my God, I'm so tired. It's been such a long wait and then it comes to like, 06:00 and it's like, shall I say? I think I'm going to go. Yes.
Amelia:
It'S wonderful because everyone just does their own thing and it's such a great space. You can just do whatever you want. If you want to just sit in the back, you can just sit at the back. Some people are really going for it. Yeah, it's just so fun. So I highly recommend it. Yes. And I guess that's the thing. Doing something, not drinking, and it's getting bigger and bigger. The one I go to in Sydney, you know, I went maybe four months ago and there were, I don't know, 35 people there, but the last time I went, just last Friday, we needed to get a big room. They need to find a bigger room.
Emma:
Yeah, I was just saying, there was a queue out the door. I was like, oh, my God. When I first started coming here, it's like mooched in.
Amelia:
And it's great to see people are choosing to do stuff without alcohol. It's such a great thing. And people of all ages as well.
Emma:
One of Buck's friends was there with their friends and I was like, we were both trying to pretend we didn't see each other come up and kind of go and she was like, oh, my God, my friends and mums. No, we all ended up dancing together anyway. Yes.
Amelia:
It's just the best. So highly, highly recommended.
Emma:
Yeah, well, I couldn't have you on without talking about dancing because I know how much you love that. Yes, thank you so much. And being brave and coming on and talking with me. I really appreciate it.
Amelia:
Thank you. Not at all. It was really fun. It was fun.
Emma:
Thank you so much. Have a beautiful evening. Yes.
