0:00
Welcome to this week's episode of midlife A F. This week we have my wonderful friend, Danny car. Danny is one of the originals of the alcohol free movement here in us. For me, Danny and Faye, who I've had on here before and my brain has gone blank beautiful has just written a book. Ah, Victoria, Victoria Vanstone. They were like the ladies who are kind of like doing all of this stuff really well. When I first started stopped drinking, and there were some other people around like Beck's from sexy sobriety, who is doesn't work in space anymore, but she was brilliant found a way way, way back when. But Danny is a wonderful person. She has a group. She's got a number of different groups. Her podcast is called how I quit alcohol, which is one of the if you haven't got a list of alcohol free podcasts that are inspiring I highly encourage you to put hers on your list. She is a great she's great coach. She's great human being she she has been around for a while she has same training as me we trained together under Dr Gabor Ma Tei. So we have the same sort of approach to working with people and around our call. So I wanted to invite Danny to come in and have a chat with us because I love her to death and she has so much to offer. So over to myself and wonderful Danica if you're a woman in midlife, his intuition is telling you that giving booze the elbow might be the next right move. Then midlife AF is the podcast for you. Join counselor psychotherapist this naked mind and gray area drinking alcohol coach Emma Gilmore for a weekly natter about parenting quirky teens, menopause relationships and navigating this thing called midlife alcohol free. If you're feeling that life could be so much more that you're sick and tired of doing all the things for everyone else. If your intuition is waving her arms manically at you saying it could all be so much easier. We didn't have to keep drinking, come with me. Together we'll find our groove without booze.
2:44
I lovingly acknowledged the Bruner and people of the Kulin nation as the custodians of current Baroque. I share my admiration for the Aboriginal culture I witnessed the connection that they have for each other and the land and their community. As I swim in the waters and walk on the land, I feel the power of this place. I'm grateful for the Aboriginal peoples amazing custodianship, the power, beauty and the healing potential of this place. I wish to pay special respects to the elders of the Buena, wrong people. Their wisdom, guidance and support are exceptional, and felt well beyond the Aboriginal community. I honor that this is Aboriginal land, and that it has never been ceded. I am committed to listening to the Aboriginal community, and learning how I can be an active ally in their journey to justice. Thank you so much for joining me, Danny. It's lovely to have you here. Thanks for having me. I'm so excited about this. It's lovely. I'm so excited. I've got a few different kinds of heroes of mine. Sorry, Danny. And it's gonna be weird for me to say that. But people who I really admire in our world, talking lives and which we're making it a podcast over the next few days. And Danny is one of those people who I came across when I first started my journey. And I think Danny and Victoria Vanstone were the two people that I was really related to because not only were they also in Australia, which was unusual. But they both spoke lots of wisdom and I thought they were they were wonderful humans. So it's really a delight for me to have Danny come on and speak to us live. Hello, all the lovely people who are joining us questions, lots of people. That's wonderful, exciting. But first of all, I would love to hand over to Danny to introduce herself and tell you a little bit about her and Danny and I are have both been through the compassionate inquiry training with Gabor Ma Tei. So that will be a nice thing for us. Oh, those calf cast Okay. Gotcha. Um, And so that might be an area we go to I'm not quite sure. So we'll we'll we'll kind of relax and see what see what unfolds for us and what might be helpful or useful for us to share that. So handing over to Danny to introduce herself. Oh, thanks,
5:12
Emma, thank you so much for having me. It's beautiful to be here with your Insta Live people and yourself. And I always love our conversations that we have, like when you came on my podcast that was absolutely beautiful. And you're just such a beautiful human. And likewise, I just love what you do, and everything that you say and posts, which is very much in alignment with each other with how we work. And so it's, it's, it's a real pleasure when you asked me to come on, I was like, of course, I'd love to. So yeah, thank you for having me. Yeah, I've been sober for people who don't know, me. I've been sober for six years, just that my husband and I six years sober. And I certainly did not think when I first got sober or took a year, I was a year off alcohol we were taking. I certainly never thought I'd be doing anything like this. In fact, this morning, I was down the beach, just pinching myself still, I just like, wow, what is this life? And this happened? And it's so beautiful. You never know, like, what's on the other side of things, especially when you first start out on something and it seems so huge. And it seems so big. And almost like How the hell am I gonna even get through this, you know, to be like six years down the track and not even thinking about it and have created this whole other life outside of it. And because of that, too, so it's so amazing, really to kind of intellectually having conversation with you here and training Gabor Ma Tei. It's like, what the how how true
6:49
opens up so much. And yet you never think that's not the reason why you do it. Right? You You have no idea? No idea.
6:56
No way. No way. Oh, gosh, I had no idea. I just wanted to like myself. You know, that was my intention. When I quit drinking in the first place was I was just so desperate to like myself, I hated myself so much. And I was in such a bad state mentally with really shocking anxiety and just pure Am I like self hatred, just Yeah, waking up constantly, like what have you done, you've done it again. You know, you're a bad parent, you're a bad wife, you're a bad friend, you're this You're that. It was relentless. And, and that was only like binge drinking, by the way, I wasn't drinking every day. But when I did do it, I give it such a good crack. Not even knowing that that's like a lot of the time was just like, I'll just have a couple of drinks, but then it would just blow out into something huge that I didn't even know how I got there. And so I didn't trust myself, either. It was like, I really was scared of myself. That's the true honest, it was such a bad place to be that I just all I thought was if I could just take a year off and try and get some space from this thing. Maybe then I'll like myself and I'll go back to drinking then.
8:16
What I thought, yeah.
8:19
Interesting. You say that? Because that's such a common theme with people isn't it? And often it I haven't, I would say I was similar. But I didn't even realize I didn't like myself. It was so unconscious. That being horrible to myself. Like I didn't even realize until I stopped being horrible to myself What an asshole it was.
8:39
Also to herself, but it's not just that of our relationship with ourselves then spills outward from there. So it's like, the whole negative mindset that we've created for ourselves in the ways in which we speak to ourselves. It's like, everything was negative, every
9:01
big catastrophize a lot of drama a lot of Yeah, it was it was horrible. And it was it really was alcohol. I mean, there was stuff I had to work on, obviously to alcohol was just a byproduct of a lot of that stuff, but it was definitely keeping me stuck in that cycle. So it's a miracle. It's a miracle.
9:23
Yeah, yeah. It's that luck, you know, we are the luckiest I feel so lucky to have been given the opportunity to have this piece of grow although the reasons I got into it was not that so you are obviously so much more enlightened than I was because I was just like, right I'm something that there was a tiny little inner knowing knowing that I was being a bit of a you know that it wasn't feeling good to me. But the main thing for me was really superficial stuff that really mattered to me at the time, which was like I wanted to lose weight. I want To be healthier, I wanted my I wanted to be able to go to the doctors and look at what was going on with my gut and things like that. Without them going, and how much do you drink? Are we going? This much of them going? Okay, well, it come back later when that was kind of my motivation, which enriches retrospect, I bet I'm glad I had that motivation, because it got me there. But in reality, the the benefits of being on the other side played a much greater I think, than I originally anticipated. Yeah, and
10:34
you don't realize that until you get some time, up until you can kind of look back and go, Wow, things are getting a lot better. You know, even at times when they don't feel better. Like sometimes there's big stuff that we have to work through. And just like, you know, we all do we have stuff in life that shows up. But realizing, wow, I'm actually I'm getting better at this stuff. Every day, I'm getting a bit better. And, you know, for me early on, it was just like waking up going, like still having a bit of shock. What did you do last night? And then like, Oh, nothing, actually. Okay. Yeah, I did i i went to bed. And I remember going to bed. And that was great. And yeah, but then starting to learn new ways of thinking new ways of being and really starting to just try and figure it out in my life. I didn't have a coach, I didn't have anything like that back then. And there was certainly no podcasts like we all have now there was, you know, what I used to listen to was an AAA kind of podcast, I think it was it was hearing people's AAA stories. And that was I learned a lot just from hearing people. So it was like their testimonies. That's the only kind of thing I could find at the time. And I thought, wow, that's really interesting. So I learned a lot through that too, of like, hearing stories of people who had been 10 years sober or something, and then had one drink, and they'd gone back to it. And it was and then they were back where they were, and then I started to realize that that's probably what's going to happen to me, because also in other times, I tried to stop. And then I thought, I'll just have one. And then I was back to where I was again, and I kind of started to start weighing it all up. How you know, what's this going to look like, if I go back. And now I've come so far, I probably don't want to go back. But in that year, there was a lot of really trying to change my mindset, like that was a big one for me early on was learning to, you know, think differently, see myself differently and hold myself differently. Through things I didn't learn till later on about being compassionate and holding, like really holding those parts of myself that came later with training, I suppose. But early on, it was all about just creating different resources, different ways of being. Yeah. And that really got me going and kept me going. And I think that's what's important early on. And for people in any stage in their sobriety, whether you're six years down the track, because I'm still creating new resources for myself, and you're probably as well and, yeah, do you think like creating new resources is what we need to do, to kind of learn new coping strategies, learning new ways of being. And I think, in turn that creates new neural pathways for ourselves that we can, suddenly we're not just trying anymore, but we're actually we're actually different people, we're starting to actually become different. I'm definitely seeing that within myself now. That I'm actually very, very different. And I get more and more different from that old Danny, with every month that passes, and every year that passes, it's pretty awesome.
13:43
It's so interesting, interesting that you say that and my I love what you're talking about with resources and my resources change all the time that you're saying it's like things evolve and change and different life stage, and different things that are happening in your life and two things become you know, may no longer fit that fit the bill and then obviously has come along which do but there's always stuff right? There's always new things that learn and do. But my brains just gone completely blank. You so please excuse me, perimenopause, ADHD, goes blank all the time. This is kind of like alcohol anymore. Exactly. Right. Exactly. I kept hoping that this would stop but actually, no, it's it's actually but I Oh, yes, that's right. You were saying? You're almost becoming a new person. And for me, my experience has been I'm coming full circle, that I created a human to fit into the world that I you know, that wasn't, you know, isn't there for most humans. It's not like being created for most of us to thrive. And now it's that coming back to self coming back home to self and almost you remembering the human I originally was, that's definitely how it feels. But it wasn't like uncovering that this person that I thought I was is not the person I am at all. Yeah.
15:11
Because I think when we go out with, we take it right back. And we think about the early childhood experiences and different things that shaped us to create coping mechanisms around those things that happened, beliefs that were created about ourself. In turn, how are we going to cope with that how we learn to deal with our emotions, however, we're trained to also deal with our emotions as well creates this whole personality. And I think over the years, and as we peel back the layers, we start to kind of get back to that original person that we are. And we can start to peel back those coping mechanisms. And eventually, the stories and those beliefs about ourselves. And then we can start to who, okay, now I can I create something new here. And that's part of those resources as well. But it's such a beautiful process, when you start to peel back every day, like peeling back, like when something comes up, or here's an opportunity to work on this and dig deep. I just did a little episode the other day minisode on relapse, and how it can be your greatest teacher, right? It's like, what is this showing me? So for me, it might not be a relapse, but I might have an emotional relapse, I might have like a thing that comes up for me. I had one this morning, Emma, that's something that came up with with my husband. And I started to go into old ways of thinking, you know, but it was like, oh, no, here's a good opportunity to work through this. What's the story? I'm telling myself? Does this go back to the old belief about myself? Is it true, you know, and working my way through it to kind of go? No, this is just an old part of me that felt scared and felt a bit not good enough, or those kinds of things that show up? What do I actually need right now. And then I told ash, and we just had a laugh about it, you know, it was some, you know, it's so every opportunity every time something comes up, that feels uncomfortable, we can get like if we're not using alcohol to numb it, or we're not eating it away, or we're not chopping it away. It's actually we can go oh, here it is. Okay, now I can do now I've got an opportunity to work on this. And if we breathe our way through it, if we can go, all right, I'm going to do the work here. I'm going to sit with this, I'm going to breathe my way through it. I'm going to inquire into this. What is this all about? How far back does this go? What is this need such an opportunity to have some growth and some healing and sort of take it back and start to reprogram? And, you know, am I waffling? I think I'm waffling
17:47
Oh no, she's got it. She's She's telling us the interesting stuff. It's like, I 100% agree with you. And it's such a terrifying thing for us humans right to because we've never been taught how to do it. And so this whole journey is learning that skill that you're talking about there. And most of us are very afraid of a lot a lot of cases because we have such meaning critics that sometimes it's not safe inside ourselves. Like being with ourselves is very uncomfortable, right? Because it's not. It's a place where there's an inner critic who's going, you know, reflecting back on all the things we've done wrong in our past and telling us all the things that we need to get right in the future. It can be such a hostile environment for us this like shell that we live in. Yeah,
18:42
being there and you want to kind of, I think going back to that thing of not liking myself. I kept thinking I kept hearing, I listened to a lot of Wayne Dyer, clips hearing Wayne talk about, you know, you've got to love the person who you are, because that's the person you're going to spend all of your time with. Yeah, you know, and so noticing when the inner critic shows up, the inner critic is interesting. I did a talk on it with one of my groups the other night about befriending the inner critic.
19:07
Yes. Totally with befriending of all the things.
19:11
Yeah, because it's probably a protector, it's probably a protected part that's kicked in it's created a story that we need to whether it's it's trying to help us in some way you know, and so it gets a bad rap. Actually, we can go when it shows up to go Oh, what's this all about? Why are you here? What are you trying to protect me from and actually I don't need you, thank you. I don't need you anymore. I'm an adult now and I've got this you know, and but not giving it such a bad rap but to go off,
19:40
off same. I'm the same I have a real issue with the use of the words wine which for the same reasons I like to think of them as the wine savior. Because I think they're coming in to save us right they're not coming they're not a witch we don't go into battle with them. It's like they're trying to save us and like you're in a bad you're feeling discomfort. I'm gonna come and save you my little cape and I am here right now in my blue cave.
20:05
Well, it's a great way because Well, anytime that we have a craving for anything, it's part of us, isn't it to say something needs work here? Yeah, so we're choice in this moment, we can either work on it, or we can leave it, bury it down, deep down further. And eventually it's going to come back up. So we have to work on it eventually, where we start to go. Okay, well, come on, come on in. I had a great one on one with Gabor Ma Tei, once a post about this a while ago, and I've spoken on my podcast a fair bit, but I had this feeling in my tummy wouldn't go away, my dad had just been diagnosed cancer had come back, that would work really hard to get him into remission, where the, my mom has a drug, it should be prescription drugs. And that had ramped up that addiction had ramped up and it doesn't present very well, it's hard to deal with. So I was feeling really anxious and really upset and just there was, but what happens for me is it shows up as a knot in my stomach, when I would get stressed in the past. And I was so scared of this knot in my stomach, I thought it was going to give me stomach cancer. So I would be desperate to get rid of this knot in my stomach. And I was coaching at this point, by the way, too. So I'm here at their knot in my stomach, I'm doing all the things I'm on the beach, I'm meditating, I'm breathing, I'm yoga ring, and all of this, and it's still there. And so I'm feeling like a bit of a new like a fake of fraud as well. So I like I've managed to get this one on one with Gabor in a in a training session. It wasn't in the CI course it was one before that is another online thing. And I said that to him, I said, I've got this knot in my stomach, and it won't go away. And I'm doing what I'm doing all the things and how do I get rid of this? And he said, Why are you trying to get rid of a part of yourself? It's just trying to show you something that's trying to teach you something. Talk about Yeah, I'm actually covering goosebumps right now. It was so beautiful Emma, because he just said, let it in. It's trying to let you know something's up. You said, of course, you're upset your dad's cats come back, you know, mom's addictions through the roof. It doesn't feel good. You've got to heal that thing in you, you've got to work and be with it. Let it in, be it shine a light on it. And so that's what I did. And we had a little processing thing was really beautiful. And it didn't go away immediately. But it did start to back off. And you know, it's never really come back. And when it does come back. I go off something needs help. Yeah. I need to work through something here. So yeah.
22:42
And such an incredible example as well as how our body is so important in this whole process. Right? It's, yeah, it's the body. Yeah, we have no idea. And I had no idea anyway, and how important it is. And how connected is I never
23:03
thought that I never got that I was I was probably if anything, just try and run it out or try and, you know, push it down. If it wasn't, it's like, all right. This is what this is what this means to sit in the uncomfortable to, you know, learn from these discomfort. So what I'm getting at is anytime there's a craving or if you've had a relapse, or if there's a craving for anything, or a big emotional upset, good. That is awesome. Because we've got something to work with. Now it's letting us know, we've got to work on this. We've got to do the work to be with it and welcome it learn what's it trying to teach us? It's trying to take us back into something. Yeah, that's using compassionate inquiry so good when something comes up, we can use those stepping stones and compassionate inquiry to take it back to that time when that thing happened. And we can hold ourselves through that and give ourselves what we need, and process and it doesn't take years though, don't you think? Am I like, I'm still processing time,
24:13
always gonna be processing stuff. Like I come up with me every day literally people. I'm like, I get triggered every day. It was stuff that I need to work on. And yeah, and I think sometimes with alcohol, it can be people were like, we come on this journey. We're like, okay, so I'm gonna get rid of the alcohol and then everything's going to be loud. And then we kind of think because alcohol is like a separate thing Don't be it's like, well, I'll do our con and then I'll move on to the next thing. And it's, yeah, it's everything's everything. It's like these things don't. They're not in isolation. Now. They're like, we deal with the alcohol then it lets us be with what it is right?
24:55
Well, alcohol is such a small component of it, isn't it like now You know, I always say to people, it's just that's just a byproduct. It's like, it's not the alcohol. That's really I mean, we want to get rid of the alcohol, because that's a dysfunctional coping mechanism if it's become dysfunctional, but really what it is, is what is driving the want to the need for the alcohol. That's where the work lies. And
25:19
interesting stuff as well. Like, like, this is like, why wouldn't you want to know?
25:25
Yes, yes, yes. That's what I love. I love how you work, Emma, because it's so yummy. The way that you're just like, like, you know, filling in and holding yourself through it, and regulating yourself and all these beautiful tools that you offer is so beautiful, because that's where the healing is. It's not just about drinking green smoothie, and in pumping your way out, you know, like, it's actually about holding and, and giving compassion and understanding and learning through that process. And that's why I think you're very wonderful what you do. Right? You know, everything I see that you do, and you post and you share hashes, yes, but I love this.
26:14
Same, I feel there's a very aligned way of working between Danny and myself. And Danny, particularly where you're talking about that, and you're talking about the, you know, the feeling into ourselves and knowing that the things come up, and that we, it's been with them, it's almost countercultural to be with and sit with our experience, because we're told, aren't we from, like, babies that we have to, you know, medicate or, you know, change our state continuously, because we shouldn't be uncomfortable. I know.
26:51
I mean, being uncomfortable sucks. There's no doubt about it. But it's much easier to just deal with it there and do do get your way through it. And you realize, actually, it's not that bad. It's not as bad as what we thought one of my biggest drivers for my drinking. I've realized because I used to think I just drink for fun. Yeah, I just drink for fun. Right? Like, but it wasn't it was actually having had done the work and not having alcohol as the crutch anymore. I started to see what was coming up. So for me, it was big feelings of wanting acceptance, yes. Which stems back to coming from. I'm split family, I'm my mum and dad's only child. So they had, I've got half siblings. And so I never really felt like I've truly belonged. And a couple of my siblings back that up with literally saying that they were much older and yeah, it created some wings in me. And so I always wanted to fit in so much. I used to beg mum and dad for please have another habit have another baby so that I'll have my own sibling, you know, and my siblings love me, don't get me wrong, but it created that need in me and so I so desperately want approval and to fit in that I felt so uncomfortable at things as far as I'm a bit of an introvert Actually, I'll go to a party or go to you know, my husband's a musician. I've been in the music industry a long time going through these things with these cool people and beautiful people or awards, Knights Arias, things like that. And I'm like, fuck, that's just so uncomfortable. I hate this. Or I don't like this, blah, blah, blah, go they I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not going to be accepted. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it's still there. It's quite Glug, glug, glug. And then before you know what I'm actually like, Wait wet and lacking out. And you know, and I had to learn to stick with that I had to learn to get through those times where I feel uncomfortable when I still do by the way, it's not like a go to parties are on what's not to feel great. I didn't love it. But I can hold myself through it now and I come out much more unscathed than when I did you know, flashing my tits to a bunch of strangers or bands that I don't know, you know, what is that? You know, and then I hate myself more the next day. So now I can kind of use some other resources to get myself through those times. It also realized like, I'm just human, and probably most other people here don't feel that comfortable either.
29:24
What were we supposed to feel comfortable? Who said that was how we were supposed to carry?
29:30
You know me. I was thinking about this on an evolutionary standpoint. Like, if you were in a tribe, and people from other tribes come in that you don't know you're you're gonna get Yeah, you gotta be like this. Who are you? What are you doing here? I don't feel safe. And you're, you kind of go on high alert. And I think it's the same right? We'd go to a party, we pay people we don't know there's not many. I don't think many people would feel that okay with it. You're going to have a moment of feeling a bit uncomfortable or Get a bit hypervigilant or you get a bit anxious until you settle in. So you've got to lace up that time to settle in, and okay, these people are okay. I'm okay. I'm safe in this moment.
30:12
And I think I love what you say there, and it touched my heart, because there's so much around fitting in, that causes us to drink. And we Danny and I were talking for a few minutes before we came on. And I was just saying, how, you know, this, this, most people that I work with come to me saying, I want to be able to drink like normal people do. Yeah, boyfriends be being that is, number one, they're not normal. And number two normals, something that you want to be? Those are questionable things. But the fact of the fact is that our cause so we want to fit in one to be accepted, we want to be loved. We don't want to be alone, we want you know, it's all those basic things, isn't it? That we just want to be part of it. I feel connection, it's so understanding and understandable that we would use that coping mechanism. But at the same time, it kind of doesn't deliver, like you're giving the example there of being you know, you end up kind of abandoning yourself. Yeah, in order to you what you think, are doing the thing to fit in, right.
31:23
I know. And actually what's going on for all those other people, they're probably just feeling uncomfortable to a masking it the way that we had, like, I'm not being judgey like I get it by they're doing it. Because I was that. But yeah, like really, those normal people are probably having very normal thoughts of feeling very uncomfortable as well. And so they're probably I mean, perhaps, perhaps they are they using it? Why are they using it? Why why are they all drinking then? Perhaps they feel uncomfortable to imagine if we went to parties and said, and I've actually done this before, do you feel uncomfortable to me? Because I do yeah, right icebreaker?
32:06
Yeah, yeah, I had an experience where I went to a social event and like yourself, I'm an introvert. So I didn't realize until I stopped drinking, thought I was a massive extra. But I went to a swimming do with my swimming friends. And everybody was like, not in swim at night in Dugald swimmers with their like hair in a cap and goggles. And suddenly, there's all these people with like hair, and improper clothes. And it felt so awkward. And I said to exactly the same as like, anyone else feel. This is really weird.
32:42
But it's kind of cool, too. But yeah, it's great to call it like what it is. Yesterday I jumped. I got Starkers at the beach, those two like 100 women were doing this feat.
32:53
It was what was it? What was it you should come up
32:55
with the next V Day, it's a great celebration. It's a it's a kind of a protest to get against violence against women. But what happens is we do a dance, and then everyone gets naked in the beach. And it's about creating safety for the women. So if there's men there, they asked respectfully to either not join in or if they do to keep their their clothes on. But it's for the women to be able to get naked and swim together and be safe. It's so beautiful. So moving. But I went there in my bathers. And then I thought saw these women getting injured and all shapes and sizes and ages. And I thought, fuck it. And so and I said to the woman next to me, I feel really uncomfortable. I'm so uncomfortable right now. And I can't believe I'm doing this, but I can't she's like, Yeah, okay, we've got this. Let's walk in together. So there I am stuck. It's like, I'll do it on my beach when no one's around. But there's tourists everywhere as well. Like, there was people everywhere. And I thought, fuck it. And with women, I'm safe with women supporting each other. But I did have to say to the person next to me, I feel so uncomfortable right now. And this is really hard for me, but I'm doing it. I felt great once I did it.
34:02
But yeah, that
34:03
sounds amazing. And it makes me think we're talking we started off this conversation talking about kind of strategies and resources. Didn't we already
34:16
know sideswiped the conversation. I have done
34:19
really well keeping me on track as we usually conversations with me like. So, yeah, we were talking about sources. And for me, one of my greatest resources is swimming. And one of my favorite things about swimming is we have one monthly once a month on the full moon we DO NAKED swimming. It's called boobs to the moon. And it's with a bunch of women and we howl at the moon and you don't have to get naked. You can keep your clothes on. It's like a optional, optional. And sometimes there's like a little poetry, reading or something Other times it's not, it's just what it is. And as the summer comes, you have to wait that too much later so that we can be in the dark. In the dark, you see. So that's one of my one of the things that I love is streaming. And I love the connection with with other women of swimming and being, like you say, all shapes and sizes. Totally raw and vulnerable. And a you know, often I find in that situation, we have very deep or meaningful conversations, which is my preferred type of conversation, rather than the light weight, kind of like.
35:33
What do you call it? What's that? What's the word for it when you just
35:36
multaq total?
35:38
Yes. And you get much more deeper a deeper conversation. I think it's because you're just in your daggerboard swimmers. And you know, there's all those fancy things of life kind of stripped away a little bit you've written you're able to get straight to the interesting conversations. That's definitely one for me. How about yourself? Danny? What are the things that you consider to be resources? What do you use for your
36:03
good question? Like you said, it changes all the time. So depending on what I'm into, at the time, but one of my ongoing resources would be journaling, like it's, it's something that's taken me a while to really get into, but it's so it's so useful for me. So anytime something comes up, that I get out my journal and just write about it. And I asked myself questions, things like, what is this trying to teach me? Where does this come from? You know, depending on what it is, I'll sometimes do some Byron, Katie, the bone Katie questions. Is this true, or No, it's true. So how to accurately to be true, so powerful. So journaling is a huge resource for me. And then also my breath, like just using the breath. I'm a breath work and meditation teacher as well. But also, even before I did that training, I did that training to deepen my knowledge and my practice as well. But also so I could work with people in use it and know what I was talking about. But so because, you know, I said, I was praying, like, I had a lot of anxiety, I was prone to anxiety. So I kind of run a little hot, my nervous system is a bit more wide that way. So probably my greatest tool is my breath. So kind of extending my exhale, often throughout the day, just checking in, how am I doing right now? How's my exhale. And at the moment, I'm really using a practice of just trying to remain centered. So I keep thinking, every every morning, my intention is to stay centered, and try and stay in my center. And notice when I'm coming up out of my center, because I tend to go backwards. What do I need to come back down into my center? And what he's trying to teach me? So they're the kind of resources I use, but probably back in the day, like, early on, it was things like, if a negative thought about myself popped up, I could just kind of go, no, no, like, literally was doing like probably what we wouldn't teach people now. But a bit of CBT type stuff, which is like, no, that's not true. Like, no, no, no. And actually pushing thoughts away that weren't serving me because I would get really in the loop with things. Yes, I found that really helpful. Walking, just walking, walking, walking, and good input. And input I still use as well. Ms. So I don't watch any news haven't done for years. I mean, yeah, yeah. So really, yeah, watching what goes in if it's negative, and I have to watch it with people. I'm around as well. Yeah. So yeah, watch my own input, because I can I, prior to that grammar, you know, that kind of stuffs, I have to be really aware. So listening to good podcasts, listening to good books, just listening to good music, listening to things that fill me up, rather than deplete for me. So I find that is a huge resource. Like, I mean, there's so many resources. There's so many isn't there, like you can go on YouTube and go, if I'm feeling lonely, I might go to a 10 minute, little yoga practice on YouTube, and then I'm working then I'm with someone, you know, there's so many great resources that you have for me. Yeah, my breath, I think is one of the biggest resources just to center myself because I like I said, yeah. So using that resource to center in the journaling. I think that the two things I've got to tell
39:30
you, you have because I know a lot of my clients say all I have done is book is you've got a book with journaling prompts, haven't you? Oh, you talk about that because I know I have a lot of clients who say they use it regularly and pointed amazing. Can you talk about that as
39:48
well? That was just a playbook that's gone out of stock now and I don't stock but you don't need you don't need the playbook right. You can use any old this you know like any old excess Sighs book and basically what I do that's to help people because that helped me in the first year. So I had a gratitude practice. Yeah, daily reflections of what went well. musts and I am so that my I am statements my, you know, what am I committed to about myself and my daily musts, for me, it was like, I was certain like, things like, I must go for a walk, I must listen to something good. And I must for me, it was like I was doing squats and push ups and sit ups because I wanted to feel strong, because also, if I'm physically strong or mentally strong. So that's what the playbook was all about. And just the things that we used ash and I, over our first year of sobriety, what we use, and we thought we'll put that together. I've got it as a digital download now. I'm not sure if I was just saying to ash this morning, I'm not sure because they're really big. They're really expensive to send, and they're expensive.
40:53
But Digital's great, isn't it? You don't need to?
40:58
Yeah, the digital one or you don't need like I said, you can just see, right? Yeah, that was just going out here. But they're very thick and heavy. And they're big and bulky. So they're quite a pain in the bum to send as well. But you know, I think any, any any pen and paper, my husband has always said his greatest tool for transformation is the pen and paper. Like that's Yeah,
41:21
it's so true. And it's same when I when I was training and with Annie grace, her thing was always just write it all out right it through right through it, you know, and I struggled with it myself. Whenever I do, do it. I'm finding, you know, finding, I get very excited by stories. And but I find it difficult to pin them down. Like they come into my brain. And there's all these like ideas. And I'm sure, you know, I think anyone was kind of busy, creative brain has that situation. But just now just taking that bit of time just to sit and kind of work through something or, you know, notice what's happening in your world. And also notice how you're talking to yourself as well. That's another really good one gave? Absolutely, yeah.
42:08
Yeah, that's that the journaling is great for that, too. It's just like free therapy. I also have a therapist. Yes, I think it's essential to have a therapist, especially in our role, just for integrity, and also just for just for being able to work things through with someone, whether it's a therapist or a coach or a counselor. What was it gonna say about the journaling? Also, the journaling is really handy, though. Even just mind dumping. So if you just watch your thoughts, even if it's just like, I feel really shitty right now or the cat, there's a cat meowing next door, just putting it all out and getting it out onto paper. But another great thing you might find useful as well, Mo and for people listening is I don't know if you've heard of Rick Hansen. He's a great psychologist and neuro neuro scientists to catch
42:57
your name, but I don't think I'm very familiar with you. Tell us a bit. Yeah, he's
43:01
fantastic. And he's got a book called neuro dharma. So it's kind of melding yogic philosophy and meditation and that kind of work with actual brain science. Very clearly. His books are amazing, and his neuro Dharma and neuro Dharma of love are great books. Anyway, but very beautiful, very compassionate, beautiful meditations, great to listen to. But he what he does, he talks about having a caring committee. And so when I'm working in my group challenges, we always start to implement in our journaling practices, bringing our caring committee. So the caring committee is set up and this is great with inner critic work as well. The Fairy Godmother, so that's your fairy godmother is someone like, for me, it's an old therapist that I used to have who passed away which everything I did was just like all of that. That's beautiful upon like everything. It was just she was beautiful. So I imagined a big buzz and woman that's just loves you unconditionally. So what would my fairy godmother say in this moment? So I'd write that I always write that out. This is a fairly regular practice I do. And then what would my inner coach say? So my inner coach, that's the second personally carrying committee for me is Tony Robbins. So I've been to Tony Robbins, I've done business mastery in Florida. And I've used him a lot in my first year for motivation, and he's the greatest of all the coaches and
44:29
his priming that's, that's something I've used with my classes, so many great
44:33
things. But anyway, it's a bit wonky and all that, but that's alright. But he's still great. And I think his message is great, and he was great resource for me. So what would Tony say to me right now? So then there's the inner coach, that part what would the coach say? And then the third person on the caring committee is like the wise sage. So for me, that's someone like Michael singer, or Gandalf rings. Yeah. So what would they say? Say to me right now. And it's always this beautiful nugget, right at the end of this journaling practice of just, there's something that comes up and just beautiful words of wisdom. And because we've got it all inside us, we don't need to go externally. It's all in us. So you know who's on a caring committee? And can I bring them into my journaling? Practice? It's really good time. I
45:21
love that beautiful thing. Yeah, I'm going to see how I'm like 100% doing that. And now I have now after working my pupil, that's quite exciting. I can probably procrastinate doing that.
45:34
Well, you could just make them up. Or it could be a fictional character. Like, you know, Gandalf.
45:40
Yeah, I love the big Boson woman because I'm becoming more and more big girls and women as I get older, and my granny was a big person woman, and she was great for cuddles. Get in there get in a Muslim. I love it.
45:59
Yeah, I love that so much. Thank you, Danny, thank you so much for sharing and coming on. And yet what a wonderful I mean, that is just in and of itself an absolute gem to to share with people. And certainly, I'm gonna have
46:14
a crack at it. So check out Rick Hansen,
46:17
I will, I will definitely. It's been an absolute joy having you, thank you so much for coming on. And being here with me, I really appreciate it. I always love talking to you, I can't talk highly enough about your methods or recommend you enough to humans in our space. incredibly good at what she does. And yeah, I would be very, very, very safe person to be with. Is there anything, anything else that you'd like to share with anybody? Well, we've got this opportunity together about what you do, and in ways that people can follow you, basically?
46:59
Not really, if the podcast I think is a great place to start. There's loads of great podcasts out there as well. I just think, you know, just like, like I said about the input, like just hearing good input. You don't? I'm not, it's not about like, Yeah, I think just find something that works. If you feel like someone is got some tools to offer you that helps you then go, you know, listen to that person, or perhaps who they suggest. And you know, it's just a journey about finding your people that you resonate with, that's going to help you and, and going with that. And I don't know, like just keeping up the input. You know, doing that stuff, doing what feels good. Congratulating yourself, you know, even if you do,
47:44
yeah, like, yeah, it's
47:45
all part of it. It's all part of the process. We're all human. And we're all meant to take. I do all the time, am I like, I still lose my week, and I'm still having big emotional outbursts. And I beat myself up sometimes. I'm sure you do, too. We all do. We're all human. And I just think, if we can all just, you know, as Rhonda says, just walk each other home, we're all here to support each other, and hold each other. And, you know, it's, it's, it's a real honor to do this job. But also to, you know, like, just to share. And, and likewise, what you like is, again, I just think what you do is you're just phenomenal. And if people get the opportunity to work with you. I think that's what a gift what a gift because you're not, you know, you've lived it and you are living it and you do it. I can see you put these things into practice. But also you're very knowledgeable. Like you're very knowledgeable. You've done a lot of training and you're very knowledge you're very good at what you do so I think yeah, like, she's Yeah.
48:50
Beautiful kindness. That was lovely. And it's interesting, isn't it? Because it kind of plays into for me, like the little part of me who never thought that they were good enough was stuff and it's like to have a lovely person that you really liked saying something like that to you, as well as like, well. Wow, that's amazing. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.
49:07
Nice. And likewise, when you said yeah, it's beautiful, isn't it? Isn't
49:12
it? And I know that you need to run because you've caught it all. One has my daughter's
49:17
fractured her and you need to go pick her up from school, but yes, thank you. Thanks for having me. And thanks for everyone joining in it was awesome. Comments.
49:31
Lucky there. What a lovely group of people watching as well. So thank you all for joining us. Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode of midlife AF with Emma Gilmore. If you enjoyed it, please share on Instagram for your friends and tag me at hote rising coaching. If you want to help me grow the podcast please review the episodes for me on Apple podcast that really helps. If you would like to work further with me please go to my website WWE You W hope rising coaching.com for my free and paid programs or email me at Emma at Hope rising coaching.com sending a massive cuddle to you and yours for me and mine and remember to keep choosing you
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
