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This week's episode of midlife AF. I hope you are well, today we're talking about the concept of being broken, and it's really this is a really, really important one to me, because
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the work I do and the methods that I use are not about fixing ourselves right, because we are not broken. And this is a really important message to get across, because society has created the paradigm, the story, the point of view that
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if we have a problem with alcohol, or we're using alcohol problematically, it is our fault. We are the problem. That is why we have
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things like the drink responsibility campaign, which is run and funded by the alcohol industry. And
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it's it basically what it does is it puts the onus on the human being, as opposed to the onus being on the companies who market a product that's highly addictive to human beings. And not only that, not only that, not only is it highly addictive, but it's also incredibly dangerous. Like, you know, we know that we with just two glasses of wine, we're more likely than more often, our chance of getting breast cancer is like 15% up. I don't need to go into the stats. You guys know, the World Health Organization says there's no safe amount to drink. The
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The Heart Foundation says there's no safe amount to drink. The Cancer Council say there's safe amount, no safe amount of drink. But we have been conditioned and brought up into this society, which is which? Which basically says the opposite is true. So basically, you have you you need to be able to drink in order to be acceptable. And if you can't drink in a way that's acceptable for other people, so you can't stick to two glasses of wine or whatever it might be, then you are unacceptable, right?
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Which is so interesting, because the way that alcohol works chemically with our body is that it is absolutely designed to make us want more.
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The way that the dopamine and the adrenaline and the cortisol works is that it it floods our bodies with dopamine, and then, because our body is always seeking homeostasis, and that dopamine is way too way, way too much, because it's not natural amount. It's a amount that's created by the particular ingredients of alcohol. So it's not, you know, something that we get naturally. Natural dopamine is much, much less. So for example, if we're having sex, if we're if we find something that we're looking for, if we,
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if we if we go on a trek or an adventure, or we climb something that we're trying to do. These are things that gives us and give us natural dopamine, right?
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But they're much, much less, and they take much more work. And that's why alcohol is so attractive to us. It's like, Oh, lots of dopamine, no work.
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It makes total sense. So, but the alcohol industry has done this really sneaky thing where it's
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basically convinced us and each other, and it's preyed on our insecurities as a human race, and our insecurities as a human race generally come from our conditioning, which is born Out of us being small children, which is that
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we aren't worthy, that we're not enough. And so the way that our culture works is,
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the way that our culture works is that, sorry,
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my brain just weren't really blank. Then Sorry, I've got Sorry, I've got a situation happening. Let me just turn my notifications off so I can't see them. That's better. Otherwise I get distracted. Um, so basically, the way that happens in our culture is that it's very, very quickly we become conditioned with this concept that we're not enough. And you know, it's been going on for a long time. It comes from things like Original Sin. It's like, you know, because the idea of Original Sin is that the human being is born bad, and unless we control it and we beat the hell out of it and be really nasty to it, then it will go back to its natural state. And this is how kind of, like the slave trade, developed and all of this kind of stuff. It's based on this idea of original sin and how people in power managed to have control over
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the masses for a really long time through organized religion. And this is nothing about religion, but it's just saying this, this concept, this productivity, this puritanical concept that there's something wrong with the human and.
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Know,
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for a very long time, particularly in Anglo,
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Celtic, Anglo kind of society,
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parents have been
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prevented from fully, unconditionally loving their children because they've been given the fear that if they are kind to their children, if they
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cuddle their children to sleep, if they,
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if they, if they love their children fully, then their children will not be independent
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human beings, and you know, all of the evidence shows that that's not the case.
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All of the evidence shows that
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the more that we love, the more that we're kind, the more that we attune to, the more that we co regulate with and give our children safety, the more solid and secure they will come out, and the farther they will be happy and comfortable to go, because they won't have that original wound that is that I was crying as a child and my mum wouldn't comfort me, or my dad didn't comfort me.
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And look, people get really funny about this kind of concept, because, like, oh, it's blaming the parents. It's like, it's not, it's blaming society. It's the culture. It's it's not acceptable.
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So
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what it's on, it's impossible for us not to have wounds.
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And those wounds that we have from being very, very small children, from the first time someone told us there was something wrong with us not to do we noticed how we were observant, and we noticed how other people were treated if they did things a certain way.
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You know, we know that in our society, we're expected to be thin, we're expected to be outgoing, we're expected to be
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extroverted. That's the same thing as outgoing, isn't it? There's certain expectations. We're expected to have a tidy house. We're expected to, you know, there's expectations. We're expected to be incredibly busy. We're expected not to rest. These are all like societal conditioning, right? And so we start to everyone, every time someone said, oh, you know, we're not, we're not allowed to have bad feelings. Yeah, we've all got to be fine when anyone asks us how we are. But in reality, we're not fine. And in reality, we do have feelings. But what happens to us as children is we get told, No, come on, pull yourself together. You know, come on. Get, we get don't get upset, and even
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if we're excited, but it's like calm down, or children should be seen and not heard. So all of this message comes into us as little children. And we have built this. We build this, what Tara brach lovely calls a space suit, or we build a an armor.
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And that armor, it keeps us safe from the world, because what it does is it allows us to fit in. And there's a big difference between fitting in and belonging. We know that, right? So fitting in is about changing yourself to be acceptable to other people, and belonging is
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just being acceptable for who you are, right? So to being loved for who you are, and
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it's a very strong part of our society. It's also very, very tightly connected to drinking, because a lot of the reasons why we drink, and a lot of the reasons why we're afraid to stop drinking or take a break from drinking, are connected to this idea that we are broken because we cannot do what is conceived to be normal, what is what we've been conditioned to be, to be normal. So we've been conditioned to believe that having two drinks, being extroverted, being thin, having a tidy house, working all God's hours, never rescuing that is what we're expected to do, and if we are different to that, and if we want something different to that, then we're unusual, and for us, because we've already learned as children that if we didn't obey the rules, we would get into trouble. So for example, if we didn't tidy our bedroom, we'd get told off. If we didn't do our school work or lost our homework, we'd get told off, or we might just, they might just, like joke, Oh, that one's really disorganized. Oh, you know, all that sort of stuff. But little children, we hold that stuff. We're sensitive human beings, and we internalize it. And it's a word, we get this wound that's we are not acceptable. And there's about 13 or 14 core belief wounds that people have.
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And those core belief wounds are
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what generally causes us to seek outside of ourselves. So we're like, we're looking for validation. We're looking for everybody else to tell us we're okay. We're looking for wine is exactly the same thing, or whatever you drink. We.
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Take that because we hope it's going to make us feel better because we're in discomfort, because we're in pain. And what I wanted to talk about, because we've got the Great Aussie alcohol experiment launching on Monday, which I'm super excited about, and I wanted to talk about this paradigm of bit of not being broken, not coming from this deficit
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methodology. So most of society comes from this deficit, deficit methodology, and most of the ways that we approach drinking comes from this deficit modality. So there's something wrong with us. If we could just be better, stronger,
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less impulsive, then we would be fixed, and everything would be okay. And it links into anxiety and control. You know, when we try and anxiety, they say the opposite of anxiety is actually safety and all the work that we do in the alcohol experiment. And then if you move on from the alcohol experiment and want to continue your journey into the be the lighthouse membership, everything that we are doing in that membership, and everything we are doing in that experiment is
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helping us to build emotional safety, to make it safe in us, for us to be authentic, for us to be ourselves, for us to take off this armor, to take off this conditioning, to create a place of safety. So it's okay if we're not perfect, it's okay if we're not fine. It's okay if we're scared. It's okay if we're really, bloody excited and we really, really, really want to talk about something because we find it really interesting, and we want to share our passions with people.
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That's emotional safety. And it's emotional safety is not only you know, yes, we, are we safe from the things around us, but also, are we safe internally? Because so many of us have, if not, an internal, very judgmental, very critical narrative, which, again, comes from childhood.
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We might get in it, we might not get the narrative, but we might get the floods of feeling. There's floods of, I'm not right. This is shame, and we feel that in our body, or we don't feel it in the body, because we're so desensitized for it. And so I wanted to talk a little bit about because my programs, I know, a bit more expensive than some of the other stuff that's out there, not all of it, but they're very different programs. And I wanted to talk about it a little bit. I wanted to say, you know, as women, I know, and you know, I think everybody, but I can only talk as a female, assigned at birth human, we find it very difficult to spend money on ourselves, particularly if there's something that we've been conditioned to believe is our fault and that we should be able to handle on our own, and also if it's something we're slightly embarrassed about because we feel ashamed about it. And so my program is all about getting rid of all of that, and it's about saying to this, the investment that you make in this program isn't actually about alcohol. It's about it's actually investing in your whole family. It's an investing in your future, the future generations, and it's investing in all the people around you. So you know, for those of us who struggle a little bit with spending on our money, because my programs and the healthy alcohol experiment isn't about isn't about alcohol, and people are always saying to me, you know, I'm so scared, I'm so nervous, what if I fail? It's like, well, you can't fail, because it's not about abstinence. What it's about is, yes, we will absolutely encourage everyone to make the decision to take a 30 day break. But it is not about abstinence. The objective is to is to understand, because when we get into this abstinence, I'm broken. I've got to fix myself. What tends to happen is people will be like, they'll they'll do a bit of time off alcohol, or whatever it looks like, and then they'll find that they're still there and the same old shit still happening, and they're not better and they're not fixed, because they were never broken, right? The problem is not that the person is broken. The problem is that their person is looking outside of themselves for love, and the only place that they're really going to get what they're looking for is from themselves. From themselves. And so that's what the problem is,
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and that's what I teach in my program. So yes, we talk about alcohol, and I give loads and loads of great information. You get videos. They're really short. You don't have to watch them all, but there are 30 days of educational videos explaining to you why everything that you believe about alcohol is untrue scientifically, using neuroscience, and of course, remembering that I am a qualified psychotherapist, counselor and coach that I have trained under Gabriel Marte. I'm a senior coach with this naked mind so under Annie grace, who wrote this naked mind. And also, you know, I do, I've been working for a decent amount of time in big group programs on this. So I'm very experienced. I'm trauma informed. I work with family systems, so I use all kinds of really great methodology. And the most important thing is that I was where you are now, like I was a drinker who struggled with all of the same things.
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The same reasons, the same shame, the same sadness, the same self doubt, the same broken promises to myself, the same waking up at three o'clock in the morning and feeling shit about myself. I was in exactly the same place, and this is how I changed and how I got out of that. Because it wasn't about because as long as we said, everyone says this in our business, everyone who works in similar methodology to me, the people who stay stuck using alcohol in a way that they don't want to stuck because they believe their their problem. And the longer you do that, it's like, it's like a big drama that happens in your head and it distracts you. I'm the problem. We've got this. Oh, I'm so dreadful, aren't I awful? Nobody poured the drink for me. Nobody poured it down my throat. All of this nonsense makes us really activated and really stressed, because it's really mean. I'm so bad, I'm awful, because all we want as humans is to be loved and seen as good.
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All we want as humans is to be loved and seen as good.
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Yeah, so my program teaches us how to love and see ourselves as good, and it's so much more than top 10 tips for going out without alcohol. Yes, I cover all that basic stuff. Of course I do. You'd expect me to. But where the magic, where the rubber hits the road is in our community and in our vulnerability, and it's small, like I reckon on any day, you could probably get seven people max on a call.
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You've got people at all different stages. Because, again, the main thing about it is because people are like, Oh, what if I fail? You know, it's okay. Like, what's failing? Like, because the problem that we have, and one of the reasons, again, that we stay stuck in alcohol is because we think destination is stopping alcohol. It's not, and we think it's another chore on our tour. This is really heavy work. And then we'll be okay and we'll be everyone will say we're lovely and we'll be wonderful because we've stopped drinking, and that never ends up being the case, because we're still ourselves with the same old shit that caused us to drink in the same first place. That's not what my programs are about. My programs are about learning how to have self compassion, learning why we react to things the way that we do, why it feels unsafe for us to live without alcohol, and then
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changing our way of being with ourselves. So again, I just posted on an Instagram post, there's a story. Me and the lighthouse group have been doing a book on Kristin neffs self compassion workbook, and we've been talking about,
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we've been talking about self compassion. And one of the things they were talking about in self compassion work, because this sort of analogy, which was talking about, you know, when a parent who is looking after a child who's got flu, the parent doesn't love the child to drive away the flu. The flu gets driven away anyway. The healing happens anyway. And the child loves and the parent loves the child because the child's in pain. And this is what our work. This is what my work is about. This is why it's so much more than alcohol. And you know, you say to me, Oh, could I just do I should? I can do this by myself? I can do it with a friend. And I said, Well, maybe you can. I don't know, I wasn't able to. But the difference for me is that it's, this isn't just about alcohol. This is about everything that you're using as a coping mechanism. This is so much. This is like, if you want to go deep, come do this with me. Come and spend 30 days. You don't have to come to every single one. They're all recorded. But should you want to at 7pm you can, and your brain will go, oh, no, it's not 7pm because I do. I eat dinner at 7pm
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No, okay. Well, you know, then it doesn't matter to you, right? So if it matters to you, do it. If it doesn't matter to you, don't do it. Your brain will try and convince you it doesn't matter to you. But reality for me, when I decided to take the chance and actually pay for and invest in a program, it it,
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it was mattering to me. It was breaking my heart, losing my trust in myself, feeling like I was two people, jacket on Hyde, feeling like I'm feeling sneaky, lying about myself, feeling like I was just I was inauthentic, not feeling like I was someone I could be proud of, that was breaking me, that was causing me so much harm.
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It was awful.
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And, and this is the thing that people come to alcohol programs and they like, Oh, I am Oh, hi, my sister's on. Hello, sweetheart. How are you? Oh, this is the, this is what I bought with your voucher. By the way, I can't point the right way there. That's what I bought with the voucher that you got me, Isn't it lovely? I'm so happy with it
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for Christmas. I digress. Sorry. My sister came on. Can't
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remember what was talking about now, gosh, easily distracted.
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Yeah, so we were talking about this idea that it's not, you know, we.
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Is this program is about so much more, and actually making the decision to invest in yourself and invest in this is another way of showing yourself that you matter. Is another way of showing yourself that you love. You're loved, and is one of the hardest things to do, because we hate being vulnerable, because we're scared and we think that we're going to go into a 30 day program about drinking, and it's going to be as soon, you know, if I, if I have a slip up, I'm I'm off, I don't play. And it's just, this is such a crazy idea, right? So imagine that you were learning French, and you and you said one of the words wrong.
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You would you go, right? So that's it. I'm not learning French anymore. I'm going I'm going home now. I'm never going to learn French again, even though you've paid for a term of French training. No.
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And so what I say to people is take all that, let's get rid of all that nonsense that's going on, that all that self flagship, no, I'm so bad. Oh, it's my fault. I'm so awful, because that's just conditioning. And actually, it's completely unhelpful. And then let's focus on what's actually happening. So why? What was happening in your day that felt so unbearable to you that you felt that you had no option other than to go into unconscious mode, open the fridge, pour yourself glass wine, and that's what we're working on. So what's that? So then we've got two options. Okay, so that situation that made you feel that way. Say, say, it is that every day you're so stressed by your work, right? So we've got two choices. We've got we either, we either change what we're doing in our work so that we're not so stressed, or we change our reaction to it, and that's what we work on. So, so it's, it's so much more than top 10 tips for
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alcohol free drinks or going out without drinking or or even understanding the chemistry of drinking. Because, yes, that is kind of like the surface level stuff, and 100% you know, I do know people who learn the chemistry and they're off great, but most of us the reason why we drink. And I was talking to my son about this the other day, because he was talking to me about booze, I was saying to him, it's all fine, like from you know, for me, I'm not going to be weird about it. I drink when I was his age as well. But
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what I said to him is, when you start using alcohol as a way to relieve your discomfort, your pain. And I don't necessarily mean physical pain, although I can mean physical pain, what I mean is you start using it as a relief from your like I need it because I need it because at the end of the day, I'm so exhausted, right? I'm so burnt out, and I'm still expected to do X, Y and Z, so that then is your problem, right? Not the outcome. And this is why, as a trained counselor and psychotherapist, I can look at with you, individually and in our very small group, we can look at this concept of, okay, so if your day was so stressful, what about it was so stressful? And what you might find is that there's a series of different things that happen in your day that really trigger you, and that meant makes you feel really, really overwhelmed. And usually a trigger happens because of a meaning that we make about a situation. So for example,
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it might be that
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our boss says something to us, and it makes us feel that we're not valued. It makes us feel that we're not
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worthy, and so it brings up our unworthy we don't realize. We just think it's like, I hate him. He's a dickhead, but in actual fact, it's our reaction. I'm not saying he's not a dickhead, but what I'm saying is that reaction that's disturbing us is the interpretation that we make about that situation with our boss, right? It might be that he it might be that,
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for example, if he keeps undermining our work, be like he doesn't value me. Well, actually, the situation could be completely different. But the meaning that we make the pain that we're causing ourselves, the belief that he doesn't value me because we have a wound somewhere, which says that we're not valuable. And so as soon as somebody treats us like that, we're like, oh, you know. And so that's the work we do, and that's why I say it's about so much more, but it's also about getting back in touch with our humanness, our body, because a lot of us have such busy brains, and part of the reasons that we find it difficult to stop drinking is because we need something to shut off that busy brain. So then we're looking at, and this, again, work we do in the alcohol experiment is then we're looking at, okay, so our busy brain is busy for a reason. Nine times out of 10, it's trying to keep us safe from something. Everything's about safety, right? And even like we want to when we want to control alcohol, because we want to feel safe, want to control the world around us. That's why we have anxiety, because we want to feel safe, right? And our job is to give ourselves the safety to say, you know you don't have to do or be anything you.
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I'm going to love you anyway.
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Yeah, you don't have to do or be anything. I was saying this to a lady last night. She was saying, I'm so scared. I don't want to I don't want to fail. And I said, Well, what are you scared of her? She said, I'm scared I won't be strong. And she said, I've been, I've had to be strong all my life. And I said, Well, now there's a time where you start to show yourself that you don't have to be strong anymore, that it's okay to be scared, that you can make mistakes and nothing bad's gonna happen to you, you can have a slip up. That's okay, a slip up, isn't? We call them data points. It's an opportunity to learn. It's a it's a wonderful gift for us to learn, as long as you do that, and people tend generally don't want to do that, so I don't want to look at it. I just want to move on. I was so bad. Oh lord. You mean I'm back to day one? No. Well, what happened, please. And that's the work we do. And look, it is. There is no better work you can ever do. And that's why it costs what it costs. And that's why we put the time into it. We put time into there's something so wonderful as well about being in a community of like minded humans, right? Going through the same thing holding us because, you know, that is part of the reason that we get traumatized in life. We get traumatized in life because something bad happens to us, and we cannot be held by an empathetic witness. We're not held by an empathetic witness, and that's not okay. So therefore, we take on the there's something wrong with me because I was unsafe and nobody helped me. I wasn't worth helping. I wasn't worth listening to. Nobody believed me. And you know, this can happen in everyday life all the time, like light traumas, micro traumas.
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And so that's why it's really important as well for me to be trauma informed
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and to be really qualified and good at what I do. But like I said, there's nothing better to me. It isn't about actually, it's not about drinking at all. Drinking is actually just that. It's the that's the sticking band the band aid, that's the coping mechanism. So what we look at in the alcohol experiment, and then if you want to carry on and keep not drinking for longer, we can even come into my membership group, and again, people have slip ups there. This is not like, I'm not saying that for me, it's not in the
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alcohol experiment. We're aiming to be alcohol free for 30 days, but if we're not, that's totally fine. That's the information. That's because, again, if we were a child and we fell down, we wouldn't stop trying to stand up, would we? But yet, with alcohol, we like go, Oh, I'm so bad. I'm so awful. I haven't learned the thing. I've actually come to this course to learn. And so it's like, well, so please if you, if you are interested, do,
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do? Go to my website, www.hoperisingcoaching.com,
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the Great Aussie alcohol experiment is in there, the lit there's a link to it in there. You can look it in the how to work with me. Or I think there's a big at the moment on my home page, there's a big, a big button for it as well. It starts next Monday. It's all recorded. It's very people who, at the end of it, you will feel like, I don't know, anybody's had a bad experience in the Great Aussie alcohol experiment. Obviously, after experiment, it sets you up for life. And as I said, the the what you'll learn is you'll learn so much about yourself,
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and you will start that process of loving yourself, and that spreads, and you will feel like I have clients now who are three, four years alcohol free, and
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I only started working in this space in
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2020, I think I was. I started training
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to be an alcohol coach. I'd already started training to be a counselor, a psychotherapist, but then I found, I decided to stop drinking and and I found this methodology by, again, looking at lots of other different methodologies, and primarily for me, it was this snake in mind. It was really helpful. But then I've added on other things that that complement my practice and my personality and the things that I am interested in, and that, you know, like internal family systems and parts work and and trauma, I think these things are absolutely vital. And as well, as you know, putting together practices the scaffolding that supports us, so that we can be as regulated, and so that we can work on these trauma buttons, and so that we can work on these triggers, then we need to work on keeping our nervous system as regulated and taking ourselves out of fight or flight as often as possible, not to always be regulated, always be calm, because then again, this gets into this awful sort of destination, happiness, unless we're happy, if we're talking about anything that's not happy and we're not all fine, then it's also performative. And for me, what we're here for on this planet is to it's almost like a return to source. We want to go back to the human being we were before everybody knocked us around and told us we were no good, because that's where our essence is, and half of us don't even know who that person is. And this is an opportunity to start finding out. And so as Brene Brown this, when we get to midlife, we have to up.
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Opportunities, we can either clench our back cheeks and keep doing the same thing, keep getting stuck in the same old patterns that we've been in for the whole of our lives, or we can decide to look up and look out and have a crack at understanding and unpicking some of this stuff and seeing if there's a possibility for a different kind of life, a life where we're not afraid, a life where we're not mean to ourselves, a life where we're not pretending to be somebody. We're not a life where everything doesn't have to revolve around alcohol and drinking and socializing with friends with alcohol, a life that can be about art and magic and awe and joy and just sitting at home with a cup of tea, but always knowing that we love ourselves, always knowing that we're okay, always knowing that we've got our own backs, and this is it. For me, it's like, this is the biggest thing, if I could say to you, the one thing to say to yourself, it's like, I've got your mate. We can do this. We'll do this together. It's gonna be okay. And everything that you're feeling is actually 100% valid. Of course, you feel like that, and that must be really hard.
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And you know, the really sad thing is that we think we've been so conditioned to believe that self compassion is going to mean that we're lazy. But the opposite is true. And everything I've learned, like human beings want to be good. They want to be seen as good, and they want to be loved. We want to do well, yeah, our nature is really good. It's the opposite of original sin. Our nature is beautiful. We're just conditioned by these horrible structures and systems and societies that
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make us feel that we're not good enough when we are we always were.
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So I invite you if you're interested in really changing your relationship with alcohol, by going to the core, by going to the source, and by reconnecting with yourself and building a relationship with yourself that's really authentic. So that if you turn up at an event and you feel socially awkward, you've you've got your own back, you're like, of course, I feel awkward. This is weird. I don't bloody know anybody, or I don't know what these people think of me. And I'm gonna have my own, my own metaphorical hand, and we'll do it together, or we'll go home, because we matter. All right, my lovelies, thank you. Take care. You.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
